若流

雙翼沒了

但
相信高飛還是可能
不靠自己力拍雙翅
相信遨遊更能自在

靜止
適應
等候
期待

重新出發

小聖堂

記得小時候就讀的小學裡，在大操場的一旁，有一道隱密的樓梯通往二樓的一個隱密的小聖堂。記憶中，那樓梯與小聖堂是真的相當隱密的———那樓梯就只通往那小聖堂，而要到那小聖堂就一定要通過那樓梯。

我已想不起原因，也想不起當時的我的小腦袋裡究竟想些什麼了，我只記得，有時候在小息時間，我會一人走到小聖堂去（我也想不起我是怎樣撇下朋友們的了）。當年小小的我絕對可以用親身經驗去證明，除了我和在門口當值的風紀姐姐以外，從來沒有任何人會到小聖堂去的（一臉神氣）！！現在回想起，我也記不起當天，我一人在小聖堂裡幹什麼了。

今天，我突然想起小時候的這個小聖堂，大概是因為我實在懷念那裡（與那刻）的寧靜吧。記得，那裡就只有我和神（當時我稱衪天主）。我絕對有理由相信，當時年紀輕輕又身心健康的我，到聖堂的原因就只有一個：找我的天父。那時的我還不是信徒，沒有定期上聖堂的「責任」；那時倒只有一份純真的心呢！相比一下今天，已成為基督徒的我，可歎！去教會可只是帶著一顆簡單見父神的心呢？雖說團契生活重要（最起碼教導是這樣說），可是，過份投入的團契生活，可有把你單純的心擄去？喜歡團契的人，你的心可只在乎崇拜之後，要「為神的身體」跟誰交通、要「為神的身體」關懷誰呢？不喜歡團契的人（我），又要花多少心思去克服與逃避團契時間？那份一心一意拜訪天父的心不知到了哪裡去。

我倒懷念小聖堂（與那刻）的寧靜啊，你呢？

每天也是一個屬靈練習

從小到大，我們也習慣聽各種各樣不同的神話與故事。由牛郎織女到嫦娥奔月。再加上著名大作家金庸先生筆下的韋小寶、楊過、令狐沖等等，每個人物活生生的刻印在我們腦海裡。每個故事似真且假、似是而非的存在，久而久之，我們也習慣讓自己活在「別人的故事」裡。那麼耶穌的故事呢？我們可有把祂的故事也與嫦娥一起歸為同類呢————神話呢？對我們而言，究竟聖經只不過是一本過份完美的創意小說，還是一本不折不扣的歷史書？究竟耶穌為我們而死之事只不過是一個國際傳奇神話，還是一個千真萬確的事實？不加思索地回答這個問題的話，或許很容易吧。可是，若靜下來認真地想一番，我們可有活像神的寵兒？我們可有尊重、信任、回應這個為我們被釘十架而死的神呢？

<擱下筆，細想著...>
以上的話同樣是跟我自己說的話。

我失業好一段長日子了。失業的期間讓我不斷反覆思想自己的生活與理想。在大約十個月前，我既天真又勇敢地作出一個決定————我決定放棄我的事業（我是一個準建築師），尊心重拾自小的夢想：成為一個作家。當時，我的計劃是找一份兼職，利用工餘時間努力寫作，想要這樣開始我的寫作生涯。

時間一天一天的過，由一開始雄心壯志，在不斷創作的同時，分配時間盡力求職。可是，好幾個月還是無覓得一職。當儲蓄也開始用盡時，心理壓力確實不能言喻。再加上很多不能預料、突如其來的支出，到近期還是要面對現實，重新認真地預備自己再投入尋找全職工作（但還是堅決不會就此放棄寫作）。可是，幾個月又一瞬間地過，求職狀況依然落空...直到此刻，連一直儲備的緊急資金(emergency fund)也要開始動用，我的心怎能不忐忑不安？

在整個過程裡，我內心面對過數之不盡的掙扎。

先是為寫作的前途而掙扎。我並沒有受過任何專業的文學訓練，我中文的學歷只有小學畢業。我所擁有的籌碼便只有對文字與創作的一腔熱誠、自小便有的寫作興趣及小小的練習、我自覺獨有的創意。我實在不能逃避去自問創作的路究竟應該怎樣走？怎麼樣的計劃才是正確的？我能勝任嗎？...一堆又一堆的疑慮...我哪能不怕？然後是生活與金錢的問題。現實還是現實，無論我們有多大的理想，還是逃不過需要金錢而過日常生活的事實。我不需奢華的生活，我只要日常所需，無論如何，正常工作、正常收入是必要的。可是，大半年裡，不斷寄出求職信，還是了無回音，我不禁自問究竟問題出於哪裡？然後，我又問：神究竟可有看顧我？

在整個過程裡，我不斷祈禱，求智慧、求方向、求出路，等。但是智慧在哪？方向在哪？出路在哪？

跟著來的是更深層的問題：我「信」主，但是為何我完全感覺不了平安？為何我一點也不喜悅呢？那麼我真的信主嗎？再打開聖經，又閱讀其他不同書籍，不斷尋找「信主」是怎麼一回事。在閱讀的過程裡，我一次又一次被提醒到神的恩典及神要自己的獨生子為我們死。彷彿神對我說：

「女兒，耶穌為您而死，我愛你到了一個能為你而死的地步，難道你還不相信我會為你安排最好的嗎？你的心為何要著急、悲哀？」

我呆住了，自問：「究竟『神為我死』對我而言有多真實？」神曾說過祂的軛是輕省的；為何我的生活並不輕省？因為我沒有把我的生命附在祂的軛上。無可否認，此刻，我依然認為信主是一件很不容易的事；是真的要把自己的一切、一直以來所認知的、所明白的、所暸解的完完全全地放下及更正。可是，能夠信主———認真完全地信主彷彿是我們唯一的出路，正因為祂的軛是輕省的。

生命中的等待是難敖的，但此刻，我的祈禱是：「若現在給我一份工作不能使我學習到信靠袮多一點的話，那麼便讓我多等待一點吧。」

這個祈禱很可怕啊！但是，我真的很希望、很希望我能因為神的原固，而不再覺得等待是難敖的。我更希望耶穌的故事對我而言不再是一個「神話」。

我的朋友啊！若有一天，我又再沮喪過來，請提醒我，我曾經說過以上的話。＜笑＞

老了

近日，我經常覺得自己老了。[紅著臉，笑了。]
我今年二十九歲；用「老」字來形容自己，彷彿有點兒過份。但是，我確實覺得自己長大了。這個「長大」不單只是脫離一個階段，而是認知自己已成為成年人的「長大」。這個感覺實在令人膽怯呢。

回想起，隱約記得我第一次有記憶認知爸爸的年齡時，他當時三十六歲；那時我只有好幾歲。當時我覺得爸爸是一個什麼都能解決、凡事也懂的大人 。
三十六歲，距離今天的我並不遠啊！我可有成為一個「大人」？不知不覺間，爸爸也已經五十七歲了。
二十九歲／五十七歲，或許這是一個最尷尬的年齡去醒覺自己與近親已踏入人生的另一階段。
望一望今天的自己，再瞥一眼身旁的父母，方才發現原來我們幾乎忘記自己已經長大了，我們更忘記爸媽已經老了。

我們這個年紀的年青人界乎於青少年與成年人之間，年齡的劃線實在不分明；內心的界線也一樣不顯注。當我們想別人尊敬我們時，自問可有成年人的行為？
我們在家中的生活態度不也是依然一貫「家中的孩子」的態度一般嗎？更壞的是，我們甚至對家（父母）會有成年人的要求，卻忘記我們應有的成長後的責任。
原來我們真的忘記自己已經長大了！

憶想著，在我十多歲時，看見五十、六十幾歲的「老婆婆」、「老公公」，我會很體諒我們之間的不同想法及處事態度。這些「不同」與代溝對當時的我是最理所當然不過。可是，今天，我們竟然忘記去接受爸媽已成為「老公公」、「老婆婆」了。他們的價值觀與我們不同不是理所當然嗎？他們為著我們不執著的事而執著不也是理所當然嗎？不竟，他們比我們多走更多的路（尚不說我們在異國長大的文化背境不同）；更何況，人的性格與渴想實在會隨著年齡而改變呢。這不也是很理所當然嗎？
原來我們真的忘記爸媽已經老了！

我今年二十九歲， 我覺得自己老了。[紅著臉，笑了。]
其實我多希望我今天便有「老了」的眼界來體貼爸媽「老了」的生活態度．．．[紅著眼，哭了。]

我的信仰

我不善於說話，但我有話要說。我不多在部落格裡寫太過私人的事，但今次，請容許我這樣一做。

首先，感謝主，爸爸決志信主了。爸爸信主對我（或我家人）而言是一件大事；能夠一家人分享同一個信仰、堅守著同一個基礎是何其幸福的事。在與父母分享與傾談的過程，我有一份強烈的感覺：有主在當中的家庭與關係真的可以很不同。當然，今天只不過是一個開始，正如爸爸決志信主對他的生命而言也只是一個起點。唯有從此不停學習與尋找才能靠著神的愛與恩典而有所改變與突破。同樣地，這也是向我自己說的話。

正因為爸爸這樣的一個決定，昨晚，在家中有一個對信仰的討論。叔叔跟嬸嬸追問爸爸信主的原因，亦同時挑戰我們是否認真知道我們的信仰是甚麼一會事，又問我們究竟可知自己在信些甚麼。我慶幸叔叔嬸嬸提出這些問題，甚至尊重他們如此發問。我絕對相信只有認真生命、願意不停尋索的人才會懂得問問題及求跟據；曾幾何時，當我還沒有信主時，我不也是這樣嗎？甚至，直都如今，我信主了，還是會不斷反複自問究竟我真正明白自己的信仰嗎。我不怕反複去問這個問題，因為只有我自知實在答不上才更有動力去尋找答案。我知道這個「尋求答案」的過程並不會是短暫的，甚至會是一生的功課。我亦相信只靠自己的力量與智慧，我並不會明白得完全，唯有不斷祈求神的帶領與教導，我才能一步一步的更加明白。可是，我並不著急要瞬時明白一切，我只要肯定自己要每天不停的尋找、不斷地經歷。

昨晚跟家人簡單的傾談又一次令我自問：「我認識上帝嗎？我信些甚麼？神是真的嗎？倘若這一切也是假的，有會如何呢。。。」不停地問，我有一份熱切去將真正的答案告訴叔叔嬸嬸，可是我做不到。我只好承認我還沒有正確的答案。唯一我可以分享的是為何我決定邀請神進入我的生命，及為何如今我肯定我的生命再不能活在沒有神的國度裡。

我從來都不屬於容易妥協的人，若果我是的話，我或許會安於這世代都滿足、簡單、枯燥的生活中。從來一份單單穩定的工作與收入不能滿足我。我總是覺得靠著經驗與知識，有更大的事可以做。我收讀建築學，我有一個令人羨慕的頭銜、一份穩定的工作及不錯的收入，但我從來都覺得生命還欠缺些甚麼。我曾有一分穩定的愛情，但單單能令我生活平穩，不能使我生命中或大或小的範籌有任何改變或進步的感情不能滿足我，我會問：「感情是否單是愛得夠、維持得好而已？」我還是覺得欠缺些甚麼。我的生命從來都一帆風順，但是欠缺些甚麼？你或許會認為這是不知足的表現，但我會問那些「知足」、「平穩」的人：「我們為甚麼而活著？」想著這個問題，單單一份穩定的生活能夠滿足這樣的求知慾嗎？

大家都知道生命總有完結的一刻，哪麼我們有更好的職業、更多的金錢、更無風浪的感情、更多的嗜好，等等，又如何？你辛辛苦苦經營的平穩生命能帶給你甚麼？這就是生存意義？一切也帶不走，一切也都變成一場空。若死後，甚麼都沒有了，你這生更平穩幸福也不就都是徒然枉過？我不相信這就是生命，從來都不相信！當然在決定信主時，我並沒有找到生命意義的答案，但我就是相信神的愛與真理會幫助我更明白生命，甚至我相信神是唯一的途徑。今天，我靠著神仍然在尋找，但就是當我靠著不斷尋找神要我活出來的生命來過我每一天時，我的每一天變得更充實，我生命上每一個決定、選擇與改變也變得更有方向和意義，因為一切都能建基於上帝的愛與教導之上。

我沒有深厚的信仰知識，我不懂更美更動人的文字，我只能這樣作一個小分享。更何況，信主的和未信的對生命的執著也該一樣，我們都在一直地走，不斷尋找、不停實踐。唯一我知道的是我們不能單靠自己的力量與智慧找著答案。。。這麼多年，我也不能；你能夠嗎？我只可以謙卑地求神幫助，而已不至繼續漫無目的「平穩」地枉過一生。

最後，還是要感謝神，我們能夠相信，一切都只因為祂的恩典與奇蹟。這樣關於生命的改變，難道就只靠一句話，一件事而已？

NOT just a title

I keep believing that artist is NOT a title, it is a character, a lifestyle; HOW DO YOU DARE TO CALL YOURSELF AN ARTIST?!

Nowadays, so many artists, so many musicians, so many writers, so many whatever... I look at myself, I honestly do NOT dare to call myself anything - not an architect, and do not even mention writer. It just so happens that I enjoy writing so damn much, just so happens that I love to let my imagination taking wild flights, and just so happens that I "can" write, but it absolutely does not grant me the name writer - hell no! Not even close! Do respect the real writers! Now, think about yourself (for whatever art form you do), IT IS JUST WAY MORE THAN THIS!!!

When people have the beautiful talk about "who we truly are?", they say things like we should not let what we do to define who we are, blah blah blah... when I think deeper about it, I ask: why not? In fact, I EXACTLY want what I do to define my life and how I live. I really want writing to be my life, or even, that's all I do. I just think that if you want to be a writer, you have to live like a writer; if you want to be an artist, LIVE like an artist! Once again, it is about life! If I ought to be a writer, I want to do it to a point that I am proud to say out loud that I am a writer when people ask me who I am, and that they will agree that I really live for writing. I do not mind at all that people do not remember me as my name but me as a writer, as a story teller. The point is how you see what you do and how you do what you ought to do. Of course it would mean nothing, if you just take it as a title. And of course you cannot let a title to define your life - it will just lead to an empty destination - nothing. However, if you take it seriously, if you do it seriously, it is your life! Yes, it is THIS SERIOUS!

So, ARTISTS, all kinds of artist, if you dare to call yourself one, be one! I mean BE ONE! If you do not bet your life on it, then SHUT THE F**K UP! Moreover, if you think u are BEING one, think and re-think and think deeper what it truly means to BE ONE, and what it takes to BE ONE? PLEASE!! I beg you to do so! It is a disrespect for the real artists if you call yourself one while you are not. Think THINK!!! Once again, it is more than just what it is and what it does, but it is a lifestyle (at least I believe so) . Therefore, does it just take being-good-technically to be one? just aiming-for-perfection to be one? just having-a-vision to be one? etc. These may just be part of it, a tiny part of it...

searching...

[this is not a statement, this is a messy thinking process.]

Looking at a blank paper, holding a pen in my hand, I can start writing out my heart. Today, when I sit in front of my desk, I know I could have done the same - "create" something out of nothing. However, I hesitate to put down one single word. I can fill up a paper with thousands of words, but the paper is actually empty. Why do I want to do that? Suddenly, I feel like I do not understand what I am doing. I cannot produce anything more meaningful, not until I know what I am producing, why I am producing, and what is the end product doing...

Then I ask myself what is art (if I dare to call my writings as art). The more I think about it, the more I feel like I am not just seeking for the meaning of art, but the meaning of life. I just cannot separate the two. How can one appreciate art when one does not appreciate life? How can one enjoy art when one does not enjoy what's existing on earth?

As Christians, we are not detached from the everyday life, we are not detached from the world - what exists now - good AND bad. We may perceive differently, but we are going through the same... Then, what's Christian art? In the thinking process, I always got confused by the word "Christian". Suddenly I wonder whether it is appropriate to dwell my investigation on "Christian art"? Maybe the so-called "Christian art" is simply the true art, the one and only one type of art that should be existing, the art that tells about our life, and that conveys the Truth - the Truth that is revealed to us by God in the Bible. I cannot detach the Truth from our life as I cannot detach the life from art.

As an artist producing an art piece, maybe it's not about defining a style, maybe it's not about being distinguishable or being different... After all, I believe it is not about the art piece as an object itself, because a beautiful piece without true content and context can barely move anyone's heart. An art piece must be alive in order to communicate with the audiences; the artist ought to give it a soul in order for the piece to be alive - I always tend to imagine this process similar to how "God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. The Man came alive—a living soul!" Therefore, how beautiful is the piece strongly depends on how beautiful is the soul which the artist is breathing out - that's obviously from the within of the artist. If I was to say to foster my skills to make a better piece of art, maybe, first of all, I should foster my heart. How can a piece be meaningful when the author is personally empty and shallow?

Moreover, for an artist, maybe it's not about "creating", maybe it's simply about listening, observing, and understanding. Maybe it's not about giving out things within us, the eagerness of forcing out the ideas can easily kill the piece, as well as the conversation between the art piece and the audience. Instead, maybe we should be humble, wait to receive, then let what we are able to receive gently melt into a piece and it will naturally sneak out from us to the audiences...

hmm... but then, why do we even need art? why does one even want to understand my piece? Why doesn't one simply enjoy the nature, the world and the Truth, but my works?

... ... ... keep searching... ... ...

我從這裡開始

二零零八年快要過去了。 在這年裡﹐ 好像甚麼也沒做過﹐ 但卻又經歷了很多似的。 在一年快將完竣前﹐我重看自己的一切﹐ 這裡﹐ 我想跟你們分享這些。。。 我沒有豐厚的中文水準﹐ 我沒有深遠的信仰基礎。 我或許不能用美麗的文字感動你們﹐ 也不懂得任何道理來激起你們些甚麼。。。 我只想在這裡分享一些我最真的故事與感覺。 就由此刻開始﹐就大膽的由我甚麼都不曉得開始﹐ 因為我希望與你們分享我的成長。

二零零五年十二月﹐ 大學畢業了﹐零六年二月﹐ 我獨個兒來到溫哥華工作。 最初﹐ 一點也沒有離鄉別井的感動﹐ 反然是一份興奮與期待。 時間續天的過﹐ 原來同一時間面對人生階段的轉變(由學生到上班)﹐ 及生活環境的改變是一件很不沒容易的事。 再加上與當時男朋友相隔兩地﹐ 一向習慣極度依賴他的我﹐ 一時間﹐ 整個人也亂得一塌糊塗。 因為凌亂的心情﹐ 因為我給他無形的壓力﹐ 也因為他生命同時地面對很多轉變﹐ 再加我的不成熟﹐ 感情不久也亮起紅燈﹐ 拖拉多時也要告終。

跟交往多年的他分開是最不容易的事。 當時﹐ 我真的要崩潰了。 突然間我的生命好像空空的﹐ 我就是找不著一丁點生活意義。 當時的我不斷的為自己找出路﹐ 恍惚就像一隻掉進了一個透明玻璃瓶的小鳥一般﹐ 只懂得顫驚的四面亂飛﹐ 撞向玻璃外牆﹐ 累得自己遍體鱗傷。 當時的我沒有思想﹐甚至沒有自我﹐ 就只是不斷的傷害自己﹐做了很多令自己討厭的事﹐ 令自己很後悔很後悔的事。。。 那時﹐ 無論我再努力的飛﹐ 我就是找不到出路。我就繼續讓自己自怨自艾﹐ 繼續向黑暗轉下去。

在一次偶然的機會下﹐ 我認識了歌鄰基督教會。起初也只不過是抱著去一個聚會的心態﹐ 但是我確實被牧者們所發放的訊息與教導吸引著。 它們都很實在地將信仰與生命緊緊的連接著。 透過那些教導﹐ 我開始懂得讓自己靜下來﹐ 靜下來細細地想一下自己的生命。 我這才發覺我那刻的痛與那時的空是因為我的生命從沒有任何目標。我一直生活得很好﹐小時候至長大後也很幸福。 以前﹐ 跟男朋友多年沒有錯折的關係裡﹐ 我的生命都只懂依賴著他。 當時﹐ 我的快樂﹐ 生活﹐ 將來都是他。我沒有想過自己的事業會有任何成就﹐ 更別說任何夢想及人生目標。 甚至我發現﹐ 在我第一天決定來溫哥華﹐ 就從沒有任何詳盡計劃﹐ 也沒有想過要在這裡定居。心只是不斷在想一兩年後就去男朋友那裡結婚去。。。 一切一切都是他。 所以當他要離開了﹐ 一切都沒有﹐ 變得空空的。 從牧者/聖經的教導裡﹐ 我學習找回自我﹑ 我學習重新看自己的生命。 生命的意義又豈能靠一個人給我們呢?

二零零八年五月﹐ 我決志信主。 跟著的日子﹐ 我繼續學習聖經教導﹐ 學習信仰。 這段日子﹐ 在學習的同時﹐ 我重拾我自小的寫作夢想﹐ 我重新整理生活上的一切 (這個部落格也這樣開始了)。 我再不是漫無目的地為自己找目標。 確認了真正目標後﹐ 做每件事也變得有意義了。當然之後的路並不是一瞬間變得很清楚般﹐ 但是﹐ 現在﹐ 我起碼知道怎樣用我所有的時間。 這樣﹐ 生命恍惚也變得輕快多了﹐ 再沒有以前拖曳的感覺。

由五月決志到今天﹐ 當中﹐ 也經歷了很多心情的掙扎﹐ 及為以前愚昧的錯自我責備無限次。這些痛與痕跡﹐ 我仍然在努力學習放下。 可是﹐ 我知道一天我會做得到。 是主耶穌給我這樣的希望﹔ 有了希望﹐ 一切也來得輕鬆多了。感覺就像小鳥走出了玻璃瓶﹐ 不再徬惶﹐ 心情放鬆多了。 明知有更遠的路要走﹐ 但也有信心地努力向目的地飛翔著一般。

二零零八年快要過去了。 在這年裡﹐ 好像甚麼也沒做過﹐ 但主耶穌實在的讓我經歷祂在我生命中的存在。 這是我這年裡最幸福的經歷。

what do they need / what can we do?

My grandpa was admitted to hospital on my brother’s wedding day, it was the most emotional night for my family. I haven’t seen my grandpa for 15 years - since I left HK to Canada. That night, holding his hand into mine was stunning…

One afternoon, we got an exceptional permission from the hospital to let us stay in the hospital the whole day to make my grandpa company because of his “naughty behaviour” in the hospital. That afternoon, the moment my brother and I walked into the patient room, we saw grandpa whimpering to the nurses, saying that he was having headache. The moment he saw us, he stopped and said to my brother to stay there with him and that he was very bored in the hospital doing nothing. I was trying so hard to hold my tears when I heard that… then, I knew that grandpa was not really suffering from headache; he was just bored and wanted some attention.

Spending the whole afternoon in the hospital, I didn’t talk much; I just sat besides grandpa reading, joked with grandpa sometimes. Everytime I looked at him in his eyes, he smiled tenderly at me and said: “good granddaughter!!” my heart was sore again…

That night, leaving the hospital, both my brother and I were exhausting – more emotionally. On the way home, I thought in my heart: “what will happen when our vacation is over, and when we have to leave HK to Canada again? Who’s going to be there in hospital with grandpa when everyone is at work? Who’s going to be there when grandpa is murmuring for company again?” On the bus, I still remained silent… My brother suddenly said to me: “we should invent some board games, card games, or games for elderlies, something they can play and spend time with when they can barely move…” then, I said: “that’s why everyone should keep up their reading interest/habit.”

Grandpa was bored because he really had NOTHING to do… when he had to be monitored by all the machines, when his heart condition did not allow him to even walk… all the sudden, his world was limited to the 3’ by 6’ bed, and all he could see was bounded by the 4 white walls with other elderlies being suffered by sickness besides him… If it is true that emotions affect physical performance, then how can elderly be cured efficiently under this kind of situation?

Personally, I believe in the “magic of words” as well as the “beautifulness of words”. I have faith that reading can bring us beyond the tangible world (ie beyond the 3’ by 6’ world). When one is physically weak, when one is being trapped on a bed, when one is longing to get out of the box, what else can bring one beyond where he/she is, but a book, when one is all by oneself?

Then, I asked myself: “what if one can’t see, can’t touch, can’t move, etc? I mean, what if one just can’t physically read a printed book?” How about an audio book? How about an animated book (with both visual and sound)? And a digital book? And etc-that-I-haven’t-thought-of? I think what I believe in is the ability of using beautiful words and imaginary stories to bring one to an intangible world that one can dwell into for a period of time.

However, after all, what do elderlies really need? A beautifully written book or the sons, the daughters and the grandchildren? Where are we now? What can we do now?

"Design Like You Give a Damn"

I just totally like this title. It is a slogan of the organization Architecture for Humanity.

Let me start off with a side note first. This is my first "concavity | reflection" entry. I wanted to have this category on my blog since I had "convexity | sharing", yet it is not easy to do so. It took me quite a long while to decide to post any self-reflection as an entry. I always try not to make my blog too deeply personal, however I guess once I have started to write, and once there are some ideas within me that I crave to share, it is not easy to make the postings neutral and impersonal enough. Hopefully, this "convexity" after the "concavity" would be able to convey some ideas meaningful enough.

A few days ago, while I was browsing online randomly, I found this website of a charitable organization called Architecture for Humanity. It is an organization that seeks architectural solutions to humanitarian crises and brings professional design services to communities in need. They believe that where resources and expertise are scarce, innovative, sustainable and collaborative design can make a difference [from wikipedia]. I was so excited when I saw the website. This is exactly what I have been looking for and what I have been wanting to do and to get involved with. I always believe that we should design and build with human in mind; we should be building FOR human, FOR those who live in it, not for those who sell them. We should provide an environment that the users really need and that they really long for. We should design and build in a way that would improve the current communities/society and the quality of life. In big, we should build a better world.

After reading the descriptions on their website for awhile, I started to look at any possible volunteering or job opportunities that they may have. I got more and more excited about it even though none of the opportunities are located in Vancouver. I kept looking at them, and was going to register for the volunteering opportunities, but then I hesitated. All of the sudden, I stopped and asked myself if I am qualified. Looking at their projects and all the competitions they are holding and held... I have no confidence that I would be qualified... I asked myself whether I will be able to come up with a design if I were to be given one of their projects now. I do not even know what an humanitarian architecture should be... what a sustainable design should be... what the difference is to build in 3rd world countries than in our countries... what do they really need... what "people in need" really needs? etc etc etc......

Then I once again know I still have lots to learn. I still have tons to do to get myself prepared for what I really want to do in the future. When we make ourselves packed with things to do daily, when we are busy going to any random direction that we thought it would get us closer to our dreams, have we forgotten to slow down and sit back to think what we are lacking? Is it really just opportunity that we are lacking? Or aren't we still missing something in our own qualifications? When we are waiting for opportunities to come, have we got ourselves prepared for them while waiting? And how? Yes.. and how?

Just now, reading what I just wrote, I remember the book Who Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life by Spencer Johnson. This story reminds me to always get ourselves ready for any changes in life - as always have your runners prepared around your shoulders for any run anytime needed.